Always on


I feel like I’ve been repressed. Seriously married to a guy who refused to have sex with me unless it was on his terms. Then it wasn’t even good. I don’t remember having orgasms. Here I am at 43 & I feel on fire. This unquenchable thirst to experience a deep connection with someone. I don’t go out and have sex. I have this feeling inside me that I am always turned on. I walk around wondering if anyone notices. I feel like I am finally coming alive & wish I had someone to share it with. (Then when I DO find someone who I care about I seem to run scared so it’s a quandary for me) I feel that people in this world are not alive. They continually hit the snooze button on life over & over. No matter how much they want to wake up, they don’t. I hear griping & grumbling about life & love. How lucky we are that we have what we have! Why gripe about it! Life is good & bad. Deal with both as they come & you will always get through it. I can’t live my life being afraid of the bad things that are going to happen.

I have power over my own life. This world around me, the people in my life now, are not ready to receive me in this capacity. My transformation is a 180 degrees from where I was last year. I was a down trodden broken woman. Broken mind, body & soul. I forgot who I was for so long. No more. I am back & here to stay. I may not always be at the top of my game, I will still have bad days, weeks or months but there is wisdom in darkness. I will not apologize or feel guilt. I am living my life for me.

I’ve always felt sex was a union between 2 souls.  You don’t have to have love to have union but you will be connected to that person’s psyche in some way. I’ve always said it makes me feel like I could run a mile, right after. It’s invigorating and powerful. My source of power.  If you don’t want SEX your not having the right kind of SEX! 😉 To me its energy like a slow burn that heats me up from the inside out. I don’t perform or embellish it. You have to be open & feel it! I want it to ignite & light up a whole power grid!

I don’t want people reading this that think I am hyper-sexual. Physical energy is great & goes a long with what I have been saying but it has to start inside. I don’t need a man to turn on that switch. I can do it all by myself. Not by masturbating. Turning on is a choice. There is no man in this world that can turn YOU on until YOU let him.

****There was a man that has made me burn & yearn. I left because I had never had something so intense in my life. I think about him often. ****


2 responses to “Always on

  1. I relate to this very much. I was once broken, too. I am nearly 42 and my life has just begun and it is exhilarating most of the time and when it’s not, I ride it out until the pendulum swings back up. I know what you mean about being on. I feel like I draw people now where I used to hold my arms out in all directions to keep them away. Freedom is an awesome thing and I’m glad I finally have it, no matter how long I had to wait. I can’t wait until you find that man. I found mine and it has been the most indescribable 6 months and counting of my life. Wishing you all the best from my wild heart to yours!

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